Questions of Life

Is anything real? Am I really here or is it just my energy? I have no “feelings”, no genuine emotions or expressions because I’m empty and I have nothing left. Meds? For what? “To help.” To help with what? Because I’m “bipolar”? Because I have “PTSD”, “anxiety”, “paranoia”, “depression”, “psychosis”? What’s wrong with that? How my brain works–there’s a problem? So we take meds to be “normal”? But when I was younger, “everyone’s different in their own way” was “good”, and everyone is “unique”, right? Then why should I take meds to be “normal”?

What is “normal”? I am empty. I “feel” nothing. I’m not depressed because I’m not sad. I’m not bipolar because I have no emotions to change from. I don’t have anxiety because I can’t feel . . .  Nothing is real without feelings. I laugh with my lungs, not with my heart. I smile with my teeth, not with my eyes. People don’t understand, especially not “normal” people. I don’t think any of this is a “sickness” because when people get sick they feel different but with all of this we “trip” the same. So is this a “sickness” or “knowledge”?

What is life? I ask. Am I living or just here? Sometimes I feel like I can’t speak, like I have to force the words out. Is this “normal”? Or am I “crazy”? Is normal “good” or is it “bad”? It’s always different. I try to act “normal” but people say I shouldn’t and to “just be me”. I just be me but then I can’t because I’m “unstable”, a.k.a. the professional way to say “crazy.” Who am I? What am I? If we’re defined by our “characteristics” and “emotions”, then since I myself have none, am I nothing? Am I no one? Or like my voices say, am I “dead”?